A sad day. Two thousand years since my Savior died. Two months since my daughter was born. I spend the day listening to Bach's music, reading Gregory Schulz's book "The Problem of Suffering" and remembering every moment of Matilda's first day with us. How she kicked and squirmed in my womb when she heard the Psalms read before the c-section. How she cried when she was born. How wonderful it was that she received the gift of baptism just minutes after she was born. How thankful I was that she had made it that far. I couldn't wait to see her! How her little hand felt when I was able to touch it briefly before they took her to NICU. How I wanted to see and hold her right there. How hard it was to wait in recovery and not being able to be with her. How awful it was to see the nurse burst into my room, saying we had to get over there now, Matilda was coding. I had not even seen her yet! Oh, the agony of waiting outside the NICU for someone to come and get us. Was she still alive?! How wonderful and heartbreaking to finally get to see her. She was so beautiful. Her hair was so soft. Her feet were so little. But why God did she have to be so sick? Why did she have to lie like that, so small and fragile, hooked up to all these machines? And, WHY GOD, did she have to die? I miss my sweet baby so much. And then I look to the cross, where my Savior died for my sin, and I have to say with Gregory Schulz: "I have tasted God's love. I would like to tell you that it is always a rich, delicious feast, but often, watching my children suffering, I have to be satisfied with a tincture, just a taste. For the time being. Like a patient just waking up from surgery, I feel groggy. Pain. Hunger, yes. Some nausea. I am thirsty but leery of drinking too deep too fast. In and out, I am uncertain. At this point of my life, I cannot jump up and leap for joy. The sites of the Surgeon's amputations still throb. He will have to watch my wounds for infection, I think, very closely indeed." (p. 54)
So it is a sad Good Friday indeed, but good also. While I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. And for Matilda. And for all of us. I thank Him for the gift of salvation that He gave to Matilda, and that He has given to me, and I pray that He will preserve my faith until the end. I can't wait to see my beautiful daughter again in heaven.
"And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21